The demon that evokes emotions unspeakable, makes us do things we never thought we’d do, and the angel that caresses us when we are most vulnerable, helps us see that life can feel a little better with love in your formerly unsatisfied heart. Love is the thing that can be sprung upon us at any time, no matter where we are in life. It is also the thing that can change us, blind us, frustrate us and give us a natural high.
I don’t know if I have experience true love yet. How could I? I’m only 20 and still have so much to experience/learn. How, as humans, can we even tell if the relationships we’re experiencing now is the real thing. The thing is that what I thought was the feeling of love in the past wasn’t even close to it, I liked the person a lot, sure, but I wasn’t in love with them. Looking back I can see this very clearly, but at the time I was blinded by the love I thought I felt for them.
What I have experienced recently is someone who really cares for me asking me out and having to reject them as I do not reciprocate the feelings they have for me. Looking them in the eyes and expressing that I have those feelings for another and not them was not as difficult as I imagined it would be. Sure it was upsetting to see them upset, but knowing that I was doing the right thing and being fair to myself and everyone else involved really made it quite easy for me to do. It would have been cruel for me to lie and pretend I felt the same thing because it would have been an incredibly one sided relationship from there on.
If I am being honest I would say it was quite a positive thing for me because it gave me one more bit of the jigsaw that is my life experiences. The jigsaw that is slowly growing as I do, forming into an actual adult – we may have a few years to wait on the adult thing though. I’m not sure if they will view that experience in the same positive light I do, but I hope they can take something positive from it and do something great with the emotions evoked during our conversation.
It’s not like me to post about something this personal on my blog, but I felt the need to document this as these feel like thoughts and emotions I want to re-live when I am older. A lot of what I want to say has been left out because I don’t feel 100% comfortable with those feelings yet. If nothing else, this post will be something for me to look back on and remember that at this moment in time, I was happy and content with the concept of love I thought I knew. It will also be interesting to see how my views on love change as I progress.