I’ve been trying to find the correct way to describe how I’ve been feeling this past week. Things with my anxiety are at an all time low, or high I guess? My anxiety levels are sky rocketing out of control is what I’m trying to say. After I came off citalopram I went in to full hermit mode because I couldn’t leave my flat and adjusting to sertraline seems to be taking longer than expected.
The best words I’ve found to describe how it feels is that there are personal rain clouds following me about ready to downpour at any second. Normally, when I am having a good period, the clouds stay stagnant, and this is great. I still get anxious thoughts, but the attacks don’t come. Occasionally the rain will spit and I’ll get an anxious episode, but no attack. Recently there has been non-stop heavy downpours and thunderstorms meaning I’ve been having medium-high range attacks every day.
Simple things like leaving my flat, opening my curtains and talking to people have set the rain clouds pouring on me and it’s been tough. I take extra long showers to calm myself down because I can lock myself in that room and no one can get to me (with the exception of someone knocking the door down, but that’s not likely…). It’s a way of controlling the downpour and showing it that I am in charge. It doesn’t always work, and often only works on a temporary basis, but it’s something.
Another problem I’ve been having due to this is lack of sleep. It’s like every time I put my head down on the pillow the clouds tease me with drips of rain and won’t let me settle. It’s that or I get hyper. This has resulted in me taking random 2 hour naps every so often instead of actually getting proper sleep. This is apparently a side effect of sertraline and supposedly leaves within a couple of weeks.
Sertraline has also been making feel nauseous and avoid eating because of it. Today I didn’t eat a thing until 8:30pm when I literally felt like I was going to collapse because of it. I’m trying to keep on top of this by eating bland foods like toast, rice and pasta with no toppings/sauces etc. The good thing is that when I start eating I get super hungry and eat enough to constitute a meal.
Socialising has gone out of the window. My partner and I had a gathering to celebrate him moving in and I spent most of it by myself in tears due to anxiety. Something I should have enjoyed was ruined by a personal thunderstorm hitting and rendering me useless to all that talked to me. This was a personal low for me.
I am trying to take control of these clouds and make them stagnant again. It looks like a long journey ahead, but I will make it through. I have plenty of support and love around me to keep me going until the day I wake up and the rain is completely gone.