You’re probably bored of me talking about my mental health now, but I don’t care. It’s nice having a backlog of symptoms so I can check my progress and helps me ground myself at times. This has been especially helpful when I have had an “episode” but still need to get in to work, I read my posts back and remind myself that I’m doing a lot better than I was then – I mean I can get out of bed now! – and I CAN do it.
This week I’ve shown significant progress. Or at least it’s progress in my eyes. So on Monday (New Years Day) I had a very bad episode and relapsed on my self harming, yes this was bad and made me exhausted and snappy for the entirety of Tuesday. However I left the flat and went out to meet people on Tuesday and I am in work today. In the past that kind of episode would have me bedridden for a week because I was just so tired and, well, depressed, but I fought it. I fought it and got out of bed and I couldn’t be more proud of myself.
As I’m typing this I can feel the tears of happiness well up in my eyes. There were times over the last six months where I thought I’d never reach this point, heck there were times I thought I’d never leave my bed or flat again. I know I’m not fully better, but this if proof that I am getting there. I am controlling my illness better because I understand it more now. Sure, I’d rather not have it, but I do so I’ll just have to adjust to a new way of living.
I’m incredibly lucky to have so many people who support me and love me no matter what. I don’t think I’d still be alive if it wasn’t for them. This has been imperative to getting me to this stage of the illness and I am so thankful for them all.
For the first time in a long time I can see the light at the end of the tunnel waving at me, welcoming me to a new phase of my life. A phase where my emotions are more stable and I can function in every day life again with less difficulty (because lets be honest, I was always pretty shit at being in public).
How is everyone else doing? I’d love to hear from you.